Surrender

I've spoken to you about the importance of commitment to your marriage. But I've realized there is a step beyond commitment: surrender.

Without commitment, there is no marriage. That's what defines marriage - the mutual commitment of a man and a woman to each other and to the marriage.

But commitment can be withdrawn. If you want to move to the ultimate level of intimacy, you must surrender. You must surrender your rights, your preferences, your desires, your comfort, your very life. Give it over completely to your spouse and to your marriage.

Are you ready to do this? If you are, you will discover a level of meshing, of unity, of joy, that cannot be attained by any other means.

N'omi Orr, 2/13/1938 - 4/19/2006

I am happy to report that my dear wife N'omi, the light of my life, is out of pain. If you know me, you know that I have a strong belief in a literal heaven, and in the literal truth of the Bible. I know N'omi is with the Lord in heaven, and I truly rejoice in that.

But I miss her more than I can possibly express, even though I know I will see her someday in heaven.

We're having a quiet burial on Monday, April 24. Then on Saturday, April 29, we're having a memorial meeting, to give friends an opportunity to share memories and testimonies about N'omi's life. Then we're going over to the home of my son John for a Glory Party, to rejoice in N'omi's graduation. (See http://www.nomiorr.com.)

At this moment, the location of the memorial meeting is uncertain; check http://www.nomiorr.com for updates.

Please don't send flowers. If your heart is prompting you to do something, ask God what it is. Perhaps it's something like getting a special gift for your spouse, or making a donation to your favorite charity. N'omi's life was about helping people hear God.

Joel

Feelings: Treacherous Guide

To hear this message, go to http://tinyurl.com/kh4al.

"I just don't feel like I love you anymore. I'm moving out."

That's what the husband of one of my readers said to her recently. It saddened me to read it, because it is based on a false premise: That feelings should direct your actions.

Feelings are unreliable. They are affected by many different things - the weather; your last meal; how well you slept; your most recent interaction with your boss; traffic conditions... all these, and much more, can have a significant impact on how you feel at any moment.

The primary duty of parents to children, beyond seeing to their basic needs, is to teach them to live ABOVE their feelings. That means we teach our kids to acknowledge their feelings, but not allow those feelings to direct their actions. "I know you feel like punching Jimmy, but let's calm down, and think of a better way to tell him not to break your toys."

My parents, though loving and well-intentioned, never taught me this lesson. It cost me a great deal to learn it as an adult.

Marriage is a life-long commitment. If you don't understand, or don't agree, with those words, you will not have a happy marriage. Ever. With anyone.

Commitment must rise above feelings. Love is a CHOICE, not a feeling. I choose to act in loving ways, to do loving things, because of my commitment. Feelings have nothing to do with it.

When I love consistently, good feelings follow. When I consciously think about how I can serve my mate, I become a better person. And I create a stable base, of growing strength, for our marriage.

If I focus on how I feel, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. Ultimately, the only way off is down.

Commitment is a decision that you keep. Character is the keeping of commitments long after the mood you were in when you made them is gone.

Marriage is a commitment to love. Love is a commitment to care - to put the needs of your mate above your own.

It's in your hands.

Love and blessings,
Joel

PS Read my book yet? Order it at a special price for my e-note readers, and get a free bonus: http://www.everymanahero.com

PPS You can get these e-notes in your email by going to http://AwesomeMarriage.com

Conversations

To hear Joel read this to you, go to http://tinyurl.com/9rw69

I had occasion to overhear a conversation an acquaintance of mine had. His cellphone rang; it was his wife. He was brief to the point of curtness. "Nothing new. No, I'm fine. Oh, is she with you? Put her on." I knew he was referring to his young daughter.

His entire manner changed. His voice became almost musical. "How are you, dear? I miss you! What did you do today? Oh, really? I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. And what else? Daddy loves you so much! Give me a kiss, now!"

Then he returned to his former depressed manner. "Yes, fine. I don't have time to talk to you now. Sure, I'll call later. Bye." I knew it was his wife again.

When he was done, I said, "Are you aware of how differently you talk to your wife and to your daughter? I'll bet your marriage would be transformed if you spoke to your wife the way you speak to your daughter."

He blushed, but didn't say anything.

Dear Hero, turn on your "mental tape recorder" next time you speak with your wife - especially on the phone. Then play back the conversation, and ask yourself: Is this the conversation of a Hero talking to his beloved Coach?

Or is it petulant? Dismissive? Annoyed?

You are creating your marriage, conversation by conversation, action by action. Give some thought to what you are doing. And make changes where necessary.

Love and blessings,
Joel

PS Read my book yet? Order it at a special price for my e-note readers, and get a free bonus: http://www.everymanahero.com!

PPS You can get these e-notes in your email by going to http://AwesomeMarriage.com!

"The Secret of a Happy Marriage"

Our day-long seminar by that name was held today in Chesapeake, VA. We had great attendance - and the wonderful people of Allied Video taped it! That means we'll have DVDs and CDs available in just a few days. Watch this space for announcements!

Welcome to Joel's blog!

If you attended my seminar, "The Secret of a Happy Marriage," on November 27, I told you to come here to find out where the resources I mentioned will be posted. If you don't see them linked here already, please check back in a few hours. They will definitely be here on Monday 11/28.

Warmly,
Joel