Feelings: Treacherous Guide
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"I just don't feel like I love you anymore. I'm moving out."
That's what the husband of one of my readers said to her recently. It saddened me to read it, because it is based on a false premise: That feelings should direct your actions.
Feelings are unreliable. They are affected by many different things - the weather; your last meal; how well you slept; your most recent interaction with your boss; traffic conditions... all these, and much more, can have a significant impact on how you feel at any moment.
The primary duty of parents to children, beyond seeing to their basic needs, is to teach them to live ABOVE their feelings. That means we teach our kids to acknowledge their feelings, but not allow those feelings to direct their actions. "I know you feel like punching Jimmy, but let's calm down, and think of a better way to tell him not to break your toys."
My parents, though loving and well-intentioned, never taught me this lesson. It cost me a great deal to learn it as an adult.
Marriage is a life-long commitment. If you don't understand, or don't agree, with those words, you will not have a happy marriage. Ever. With anyone.
Commitment must rise above feelings. Love is a CHOICE, not a feeling. I choose to act in loving ways, to do loving things, because of my commitment. Feelings have nothing to do with it.
When I love consistently, good feelings follow. When I consciously think about how I can serve my mate, I become a better person. And I create a stable base, of growing strength, for our marriage.
If I focus on how I feel, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. Ultimately, the only way off is down.
Commitment is a decision that you keep. Character is the keeping of commitments long after the mood you were in when you made them is gone.
Marriage is a commitment to love. Love is a commitment to care - to put the needs of your mate above your own.
It's in your hands.
Love and blessings,
Joel
PS Read my book yet? Order it at a special price for my e-note readers, and get a free bonus: http://www.everymanahero.com
PPS You can get these e-notes in your email by going to http://AwesomeMarriage.com
"I just don't feel like I love you anymore. I'm moving out."
That's what the husband of one of my readers said to her recently. It saddened me to read it, because it is based on a false premise: That feelings should direct your actions.
Feelings are unreliable. They are affected by many different things - the weather; your last meal; how well you slept; your most recent interaction with your boss; traffic conditions... all these, and much more, can have a significant impact on how you feel at any moment.
The primary duty of parents to children, beyond seeing to their basic needs, is to teach them to live ABOVE their feelings. That means we teach our kids to acknowledge their feelings, but not allow those feelings to direct their actions. "I know you feel like punching Jimmy, but let's calm down, and think of a better way to tell him not to break your toys."
My parents, though loving and well-intentioned, never taught me this lesson. It cost me a great deal to learn it as an adult.
Marriage is a life-long commitment. If you don't understand, or don't agree, with those words, you will not have a happy marriage. Ever. With anyone.
Commitment must rise above feelings. Love is a CHOICE, not a feeling. I choose to act in loving ways, to do loving things, because of my commitment. Feelings have nothing to do with it.
When I love consistently, good feelings follow. When I consciously think about how I can serve my mate, I become a better person. And I create a stable base, of growing strength, for our marriage.
If I focus on how I feel, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. Ultimately, the only way off is down.
Commitment is a decision that you keep. Character is the keeping of commitments long after the mood you were in when you made them is gone.
Marriage is a commitment to love. Love is a commitment to care - to put the needs of your mate above your own.
It's in your hands.
Love and blessings,
Joel
PS Read my book yet? Order it at a special price for my e-note readers, and get a free bonus: http://www.everymanahero.com
PPS You can get these e-notes in your email by going to http://AwesomeMarriage.com
posted by Joel at 9:19 AM
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